fractalled

“We have a place where it makes sense waiting for us. Don’t forget about it. Every time you’re worried about it, just remember you fit there. I’m holding onto who I know I am because I know I’ll fit. Even if it’s not right now, it will be worth the wait. It will be validating. You never have to doubt or worry.”

RUB Vice President of Internal Affairs!

I miss my files. Today is the kind of day that I really need my book quotes. I am longingly looking at pictures of The Fountainhead, The Beautiful and Damned, and Beyond Good and Evil on Google Image Search right now…. I can’t wait until my old hard drive is put on my new hard drive tomorrow, because even I can admit that this is seriously ridiculous.

I don’t know why this strikes me as the pinnacle of loneliness….

I wish I had more appointments with my new psychologist every week so I’d have someone to talk to during the day.

But someone thought of me, and that was nice. And now I’ll just outline shadows whenever I feel like it, because when did I ever do anything else, really?

Things are things are things. Except they’re different.

It used to be temporary satisfaction like saran wrap over a pit. But now I found my complement, and so fulfillment underlies and overwhelms all of my negatives. The problems are topical parts; the flimsy things that are things are things that pass.

I am so deeply happy. I just don’t know how to share it.

(Except with you.)

The better I get at being a physical being, the less concerned I am with what everyone else is DOING and the less inclined I am to join.

I’m beginning to wonder if my relatively brief stint with sociability was nothing but a compensation for a lack, now fulfilled.

But sometimes I remember those ones I miss.

They’re no group; they’re all ones.

One and one and one and one.

But most times I sit back and smile at just how greatly I’m DOING sitting.

(And I hope to one day inherently focus on the smiling.)

(But let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.)

“What qualities do you possess that make you the best choice for this position?”

“I am extremely organized, and I feel an immense sense of gratification in building an efficient system for the accomplishment of my work. For me, it’s a creative process, and my strength of imagination enables me to handle and improve the execution of various duties in innovative ways. With a planner rife with ‘To Do’ lists as the one constant in my backpack, I manage my time competently and punctually while avoiding excessive rigidity. Through my experience as a director—a skill in itself which has equipped me with vast knowledge of the intricacies of RUB—I have learned that the best strategy is one of flexibility. Thus, I am well able to cope with sudden changes in ‘The Plan.’ I have a dedicated work ethic, and I am not intimidated by pressure. In fact, I meet new challenges with an eagerness to learn from and adapt to them, enabling the betterment not only of RUB Entertainment but also of myself. My tendency to tie personal growth to my responsibilities renders me quite invested, without an apathetic bone in my body, in anything—a class, a person, an organization, anything—with which I decided to get involved. When it comes to RUB, I believe one of the most valuable and even vital assets an executive board member could possess is that desire to do the job—to fulfill his or her niche and to fulfill it well—and to really feel an integral part of the outcome.”

Well, that made me feel good about myself, especially since I know that I could not have honestly said a lot of those things about myself a year ago.

Fingers crossed for Vice President Internal.

Just say it out loud—or better yet, have someone say it to you. It’s the grossest-sounding word I have ever come across.

It’s on my biopsych exam and also in your nose.

The Bracing Effect: the tendency to become more negative in the face of potential bad news, in effort to avoid the shock of “negative surprise”; people find it better to be cautiously pessimistic than to be severely disappointed

I don’t do this. I go big or go home in shambles.

I invest every ounce of my being into my endeavors. Sure, I’ve been devastated, but there’s a certain quality to the experience of entering a risky situation and siding with yourself. So I’ve scraped myself off the floor; I can’t even recall it.

I get inspired my own energy, and confidence carries me along that line on which I put my self. I forge ahead (I forge everything) and I don’t think that’s foolish.

What’s foolish is such preemptive “coping” with life. There’s something derogatory about it. I don’t quite know the object of the derogation but something feels … just, degraded.

I don’t have any faith system, but I do believe that focusing on a positive end result pulls you toward it, if only inwardly, in terms of drive. There’s a rush in looking at it.

My whimsy invades my concrete experience. As far as I’m concerned, if I imagine so hard that I can actually see myself succeed, then that success exists—somewhere.

I just need to lift my chin and chase it.

I doubt it could be done if I “braced” myself. It’s not easy—it’s difficult as hell—and the slightest tinge of pessimism would render endurance impossible.

I wouldn’t see the right thing; I might even be blind.